Book Review: Beyond Ordinary

I do not know Justin or Trisha Davis personally. However, I feel closely connected to them because of the following reasons:

(1) Their heart to minister to married couples is very obvious on their online presence -- which I have been following for quite some time now. Their lessons, words of encouragement, and candor have spoken to me quite often. I have also shared their wisdom to many close friends who needed hear their heart.

(2) They have a tender spot for married couples who are in ministry. In fact, they have freely given us their paid (and excellent) 12-month MentorUs subscription program. This is an incredible gift. Robert and I have reaped the benefits of it.

(3) They started ministry as youth pastors. They currently live in Nashville, TN. I feel like if there is a couple we hope we can run to for some "been there, done that" advice, it is them.


When I heard that Justin and Trisha co-wrote a book on marriage, I knew it was going to be something special. I was certain that it was going to be honest, raw, and genuine.

As I started reading "Beyond Ordinary" (Tyndale House Publishers) right before the holidays, it was clear that it did not disappoint. I was drawn to their non-workbook approach.

 
BeyondOrdinary from RefineUs Ministries on Vimeo.


Their voices became storytellers. And with these stories, I saw in detail how tiny seeds of discontent played roles in the bigger challenges their marriage faced. Communicating this is crucial, as all married couples are vulnerable to planting these seeds. A few of us recognize it from the get-go and seek remedy. Some of us are not as intuitive, letting these seeds grow into thick, damaging vines that cut off the flow of a healthy, loving marriage.

An ordinary marriage is what breeds the more famous marital diseases like dishonor, infidelity or lack of physical intimacy. I am grateful that Justin and Trisha have made themselves vulnerable to the world so that couples can truly believe that even in the depths of brokenness, it is possible to re-claim God's vision of an extraordinary marriage for all of His children.

Whether you are married or waiting to be someday, the restoration and redemption of their marriage is something you need to read about. My heart is that you will see God's grace in all of this -- how He relentlessly redeems through His goodness, mercy, and grace.

Buy it today and hope that it blesses you.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received the book for free from Tynedale House Publishers. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commision's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising." 
 

What I am Looking Forward to this November

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24 ESV

I have great love for the first days of the month. But this month seems a little more special than most. I do not know why but my heart is filled with hope.

I can't wait to see couples getting married, enjoying our own marriage even more, witnessing teenagers having a true encounter with Jesus, my husband seeing open doors more then he ever imagined, pouring life into more children, being free of sickness and worry, receiving an abundance of encouragement, speaking life into more people, finding a new place to live so that we may serve our community more, quality time with family this Thanksgiving, and a continued pursuit of Christ-likeness.

What are you looking forward to this month?

 

You Make Marriage So Easy

You made these past four years fly by.

Like we just got married yesterday.

You make me laugh all the time.

We never run out of things to talk about every single day.

Everything that comes out of your mouth is encouraging and affirming.

You are there to cheer me on every time I do something out of my comfort zone.

You are always down to try new things no matter how silly they seem to be.

You love spending time with Jesus and I see how you sincerely to follow His example in everything that you do and say.

Thank you Robert for making me see what putting Christ as the head of a marriage really means. 

Happy 4th Anniversary!

Identifying Emotions in Marriage

One my most cherished times in this season of exploring, discovering and learning is being a part of a "journey group" for married couples. Robert and I have always wanted study God's Word with other like-minded people who acknowledge God's standards for marriage. We are really grateful that we got the chance to complete a series called "Staying in Love" by Andy Stanley for the fall semester.

Today, I want to share with you the biggest lesson that I learned from this Bible study series.

Don't you think it is interesting that no couple wants to fight and yet we have not met anyone who has completely avoided it? And it seems like the failure to communicate and address these disagreements leads to another fight, and then another fight, and then another fight ...

And the next thing you know, a married couple who used to be head over heels in love are now growing apart and has completely given up on any kind of resolution.

Unintentional or not, we all bring emotional baggage from relational hurts in our pasts. It is only inevitable that our spouses will say or do something that will trigger an unpleasant emotion that will consequently generate anger in our hearts.

I just love how the Bible warns me on how this is likely to happen in our marriage:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23)

Andy Stanley's commentary on this Bible verse proves to be even more helpful:

"We need a proactive strategy for doing this. We're good at monitoring our spouses' behavior, but we're horrible at monitoring what's really happening in our own hearts."

GUILTY AS CHARGED!

I have come to the realization that when I get angry, I often blame my husband for being the source of that anger. I have since learned that my default reaction should always be a thoughtful examination of the condition of my heart.

As a married couple, both of our hearts must be anchored on God for us to be in an emotionally healthy place. If we proactively "guard our hearts," we can address disagreements with civility and a genuine determination to resolve issues so that it does not creep up again and again.

When you find yourself starting to get heated up that can possibly brew a fight, I recommend taking these steps.

1) Calm down. Have a seat. Take a couple of deep breaths.

2) Pray. Pray hard. Ask for the power of our Great Counselor, the Holy Spirit to navigate through your feelings and thoughts.

3) Identify what causes the anger. It is not enough to vent to your spouse, "I am mad" or "I am frustrated with you." It is also not healthy to express these feelings on a social network status because you need to let it all out. Or worse, you just keep it all in and let it kill you inside. It will not resolve anything. Go into specifics. Communicate these emotions. Think of words that precisely describe your feelings. Looking for sample statements?

"I am frustrated at the fact that you leave your clothes lying around. When you do that, I feel that you disrespect the work that I do to keep our home clean."

"Your lack of affection leaves me feeling undesirable. And that makes me resentful. The more I resent, the angrier I become."

"Sometimes I feel like you are too bossy and controlling with me. When you do that, it reminds me of sad memories of childhood when I watched my father do that to my mother. Remembering these days hurt me deeply."

"You do not have to question my decisions all the time. I feel belittled. I wish you can trust me more and know that my reasons are always of good intentions."

"It makes me mad when I see you spend almost all of your time caring for our children. I think you are a wonderful mother but I cannot help but feel neglected."

"I feel really judged when your parents are around. Their actions make me feel like a terrible wife/husband. I wish you would stand up for me more and honor me in their presence."

"When we spend time with these group of people, I feel so left out. I would love it if you were more intentional about filling me in some of the details so that I feel a little more included."

"I need help. I need some form of assistance. I thought I could do it all but I am too prideful to admit it. I don't want to keep on pretending because it just puts anger and frustration in my heart."

Do these statements sound familiar? I am sure most of us have felt this one way or another. However, we overlook the desire to be deliberate about identifying the source of the anger.

The more specific we get in identifying our emotions, the better we communicate our feelings to our spouse.


If you find yourself needing to communicate something to your spouse:
"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." (Ephesians 4:15)

If you find yourself on the receiving end of something that is being expressed to you:
"Christ uses critics to guard our souls from self-destructive tendencies. We gain ears to listen to others when we gain ears to listen to Him. Critics, like governing authorities, are servants of God to you for good." (Romans 13:4)

Let us challenge ourselves with this concluding statement from Andy Stanley:

What's inside of you is coming out. And it's not coming out because of who you are with, but because it was in you to begin with. If you want to stay in love, you have to pay attention to what is in there, so that you can own it. You have to have a plan to guard your heart--a plan that begins with thinking about and identifying specific emotions and then communicating them. Will you commit to this plan?

Do you want to know more?

Watch this video.

You Love Him But He's Married

The death of Elizabeth Edwards last week gripped my heart in a way that I cannot even begin to explain. In the midst of a war with cancer, she battled an even more difficult war in the last few years of her life: a marriage that was permanently crippled by her husband's infidelity.

I am blessed to be married to a man who takes God's high standards of marriage seriously. This is a significant responsibility that should never be taken for granted by any husband.

His heart breaks for men who foolishly decide to leave their wives for another woman, thinking that this will fulfill an emptiness in their hearts that truly only God can fill.

I, on the other hand, clearly feel for wives who has experienced severe rejection from their husbands. I know a lot of you agree when I say that nothing can make a woman feel uglier and more insecure.

However, my heart grieves most for all the women out there finding themselves entangled with a married man. It is a choice no woman should ever have to make because it's life that literally walks away from the will of God.

If you can identify yourself as this woman, I have some thoughts that I would like to share with you.

1) Perhaps the most common reason that everyone uses for getting involved extra-marital affairs is that the husband has been sexually and emotionally suffering in his marriage for a long time. "They have been having serious problems before I even came along," you say to yourself.  Therefore, you cannot possibly be responsible for a marriage that falls apart.

My friend, while it is true that the marriage has probably been going through a lot of problems before you came along, you are taking away that crucial opportunity for the husband and wife to have no choice but to cling to God so that He may perform miracles on their marriage. It is never your job nor your place to be the source of the solution.

2) When a man is having problems with his marriage, he has two choices:

(a) walk away because he feels he has done everything according to his own strength and it's time to give up

or

(b) recognize he cannot do it on his own and humbly recognizes he needs God during this time.

Is the man who would rather take the first option really that much more attractive?

3) You are loved and created beautiful in eyes of your heavenly Father. You probably do not believe that right now.

You probably think that man will give you the best love you can ever have. It probably boosts your self-confidence that a man would prefer you over his wife.

It aches so much in me to even think that you believe that. Your God loves you and wants a relationship with you. Part of His plans for you is to give you a single, honorable man who has no eyes for anyone else except you.

Jesus wants to give you the marriage of your dreams. A marriage that involves you, the man He created for you, and Him.

Choosing to be with a married man is literally telling God: "I do not believe that You have someone for me. I do not trust You in this area. I would rather have faith in what this man is offering me than what You are willing to give to me."


My friend, I do not wish to place condemnation in your heart. You are not an awful person. What's awful are the lies that you choose to believe because you have given your heart to a man who does not know what 'honor' really means. And I do not even blame you for believing him.

But I promise you this: there is freedom in walking away from these lies and start moving into a place of truth. I cannot even begin to tell you how beautiful life is when you start allowing Jesus Christ to fill everything that your heart needs.

Please talk to someone today. There is a way out. And that path is the best first step to freedom you will ever make.

Our Best Man's Wedding

I have had the honor to witness beautiful weddings and I never get less excited in doing so. I love seeing couples step out in faith (trust me -- it takes a whole lot of faith to start a life with someone) and make a commitment to spend the rest of their lives together.

There is something more special, more wonderful seeing two great people I have grown to love as individuals meet, fall in love and join each other in marriage. There is something truly magnificent to see these two people honor God every step of the way.

The wedding of our best man Alex Compton and a friend who is like a sister to me, Michelle Astudillo, will be one of my favorites ever.

It is one of those weddings where I wish everyone I know was able to witness it because God showed Himself gloriously in every detail. (I hope to get a copy of the full wedding video when it comes out).

I can't do a full recap since there are just way too many memorable memorable moments! But today, I would like to share the highlights of our best man's wedding weekend.

• Jo Rubio, who is one of my best friends from high school and now a talented dress designer and event stylist, made the most gorgeous dress for me!
• After years of being apart, we are so happy to be finally reunited with the Castillos. It was just like old times but now there are kids who are actually joining along with the conversation. Love it!
• During preparations for the wedding day, I was able to spend time with another favorite family: the Panlilios. I was able to hang out in their suite and get ready. When it comes to practicing the gift of generous hospitality, I learn from them!
• The bride looked so stunning on her wedding day. I loved it that she stayed true to herself. She wore a simple dress sans elaborate jewelry. Her best accessory was an incredible glow that only comes from God and everyone saw it. She was radiant in every way.
• Alex's vows. WOW. I really hope I get to publish what he wrote in a future blog post!
• Pastor Joey Bonifacio spoke a powerful prayer of exhortation and prophecy over the couple. It ministered to me so much that I could not stop the tears and barely composed myself when I had to go up and take out the cord.
• Witnessing Michelle's first kiss. All of us have different stories on how we have reconciled with Jesus and a lot of us probably have made less than ideal choices when it comes to treating our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit. Michelle's covenant with God to keep herself pure from the get go is something I truly respect and would absolutely recommend to every girl out there. She honored God and God showed Himself gloriously through her. No money can ever buy the vision of someone who knew who she was in Christ.
• I also loved the fact that Alex was good steward of Michelle when God entrusted her to him. It says a lot about this man's love for God and how he will provide a loving leadership to their household.

If you want to get a glimpse of that glorious day, here is a video that highlights the wedding. (Video and photos are all by the talented Lito Sy).


Alex Campton and Michelle Astudillo Wedding 8-16-10 SDE from Lito Sy on Vimeo.

(I promise to post my own pictures soon! I am unable to do it today because of so much traveling.)

When Love Has To Be Firm and Tough

One thing I learned about marriage is that the "madly-in-love-kind-of-high' eventually evolves into the kind of love that is calmer, deeper, more secure, and yes -- more comfortable and familiar. It's so funny when Robert and I first got together, we thought that we got along so well that we were absolutely convinced that fights are not likely to happen. We probably annoyed a lot of people too by being a little too excited about being a couple!

However, there will be days when love isn't purely about romance but more about being completely honest with your spouse. I really believe one of the reasons God put a man and wife together is for the purpose of bringing out the best in each other. To be able to carry out that objective, sometimes love has to be firm and tough.

When I first second-guessed this approach, I got reminded of the story in the Bible where Jesus cleaned the temple in John 2:13-16. When He saw something that needed to be addressed, He did something about it.

I could have easily dismissed that story as one of those rare times when Jesus demonstrated anger. But as I learned more about the kind of heart He has, I knew he loved these money changers too much to see them tangled up in a lifestyle of corruption. More importantly, He loved His Father so much that He couldn't bear seeing another minute of His "home" being defiled. Therefore, Christ's displeasure was a result of love for His Father and brothers.

My point today is: in marriage, there will be times where "tough love" is the wisest thing to do. There will be occasions where a spouse might unintentionally do things that don't bring pleasure to our God. There might also be instances where work consumes him that he forgets to sit still at the foot of our Father and rest in Him. Or there are times that our husbands forget to humbly seek regular accountability with other men because on they are designed to be problem-solvers on their own.

In times like these, here are the things that I choose to do.

• I go to my Father God, pray for my husband and wait to hear from Him. I have learned time and again that His perspective is more likely to be different than mine.
• I check my heart and make sure that my feelings come from a place of love and not hurt nor resentment.
• I find the words that are loving that will express concern about his well-being. I personally believe that it is important to express to my husband that I am with him in this journey and not against him.

To me, these times are what makes our marriage real, powerful, and grace-filled.

"Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:


If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!"
(Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New King James Version)

Last of Two Parts: Our Third Wedding Anniversary

Thank you to everyone who greeted us on our third wedding anniversary! I never had the habit of greeting couples on their anniversaries but I have been taught by these very loving people that it is such a sweet gesture. I hope to start keeping track of my friends' anniversaries this year.

Yesterday I shared what we did to celebrate three years of being married. Today I am hoping to list down most of the important lessons I have learned these past three years of being Robert's wife.

I am, in no way, the most trusted expert in marriage but one thing I am sure of: God has been very loving and patient in guiding me to always become the best wife I can be to my husband. He has shaped me into the spouse that I am today because of experiences and through the examples of other women who love Him.

What God Has Taught Me About Being Robert's Wife

1) Everyday, I make a deliberate effort to look great for my husband. I have made a promise to him a long time ago that I will never let myself go no matter what. It takes so much work to stay and look good but Robert's response is always worth it. Not only is he visually stimulated, I can feel that he is much more confident when we step out and know that we are both well-groomed.

2) I choose to trust him at all times and know that his relationship with God enables him to be trustworthy. I used to be in relationships where it was difficult for me to feel secure. Now I know how important it is to be married to someone who loves God so much and abides by His high moral standards.

I found this also important: verbally expressing to him that I trust his decisions and will support them no matter what. Robert has affirmed to me so many times that this act gives him the confidence to go on about his day.

3) I do everything I can to create a house that is pleasant to go home to. Our apartment is tiny and our current budget does not really allow us to splurge on nice things for the home. However, I have learned to be creative in making our place a loving, safe place that Robert looks forward to enter at the end of the day. It is also important that my joyful attitude covers it all.

4) I find opportunities to intercede for my husband all day, every day. I am blessed that this is something I can freely do because I work from home full-time. There are just so many things to pray for: his safety on the road, his health, his reputation, his attitude, his confidence, his decisions, his engagement with other people and so much more!

5) I always pray for men to always speak life into my husband, and that Robert may always have the humility to receive them. I find this very crucial in his spiritual growth. I am grateful that my husband intentionally seeks these men. His humility in seeking wisdom is something I pray this will always be in him.

6) I used to fight hard with people who have said unkind and discouraging things to Robert. Today, I often choose to release my battles to the Lord and have Him stand up for my husband.

7) We believe in taking advantage of opportunities to improve our marriage. We are blessed to belong to a church who runs excellent seminars that help marriages work better. We do not wait for something bad to happen to start asking for help. We are not too proud either to ask for help when needed.

8) I go out of my way to anticipate what my husband will need during the day. When it comes to serving him, I just go ahead and do it. Sometimes it is great to ask but most of the time I discovered that my husband feels really loved when he doesn't need to ask for what he needs (he doesn't express it much anyway). It communicates to him that I have lovingly thought of him and that I take delight in meeting his desires.

9) I love speaking highly of him all the time. And it's not just lip service. I am married to an honorable, kind man. He sees the beauty in every person and every situation. There are just so many things about him that inspire me to be a better person.

10) We choose to joyfully maximize each season of our relationship. Love stories are written differently. I am so glad ours worked out the way it did. We throughly enjoyed every season of our relationship. We were best friends for more than two years. Dating for one year. Engaged for another year. And now married for three years!

There is just something so amazing in totally soaking in each season and reaping the benefits of each. The spirit of not being in a hurry proved to be something that built the strength of our marriage.

And it continues to grow and stay solid. Right now, we absolutely love still going out on dates, watching movies, long dinner conversations, and impulsive runs to undiscovered places.

We understand that parenthood is the next season and we are completely content in waiting for God's right time. We are doing our best in being physically prepared but at the same time knowing that there is nothing to be anxious about. Sometimes it feels like other people are rushing us to into the next season which is completely understandable. But we know what God promised to us and it is only a matter of time that He allows our dreams to pass. In the meantime, we are enjoying this season of quality time together!


I am not, by any means, the perfect wife. There are days I just don't feel like looking pretty or sometimes I am just too tired to tidy up our home. I continue to make a lot of mistakes but through my dependence on the real source of my strength which is God, I learn something new every single day. He gives me the grace the actually love doing what I committed to do for this marriage.

Today, I truly know what it means to intentionally put Jesus in the center of a marriage. His love for me and my husband is what keeps us going.

The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!" (Lamentations 3:22-24 NASB)

First of Two Parts: Our Third Wedding Anniversary

Robert and I recently celebrated three years of an extraordinarily blessed married life! There is really so much to be thankful for. We always start a day like this by giving God the praise and gratitude He deserves.

We usually go on an out-of-town trip on personal celebrations. We decided to skip it on this occasion because we are set to attend a wedding in Boracay in exactly two weeks -- our first trip to the beach in more than two years!

Here are some of the things we did to celebrate our third.

Flowers, cards and gifts!













Lunch in Jade Palace (one of my favorite Chinese restaurants in Manila) with Tito Jojo and Tita Mari. This year, they will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary!




Steamed Shrimp Dumplings


Bird's Nest Soup


Hot Shrimp Salad (my favorite thing to order in Chinese restaurants)


Yang Chow Fried Rice


Chop Suey (the best in the city!)


Sweet and Sour Pork



Saw a vintage picture of my great-grandmother Dolores Earnshaw. My grandfather Ramon Earnshaw Sr. is seated at the right side of the photograph.



White Hat blueberry yogurt with cheesecake bites



Admired the beautiful Manila Bay sunset



Went to Legend Restaurant in Roxas Boulevard. Another awesome couple Lowell and Med invited us to dinner. They just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary!








Lowell said they have the best peking duck. He was right!






Hot Shrimp Salad (I cannot get enough of this!)



We cherished every bite of the good Chinese food we consumed that day. But what we hold dear to our hearts is the advice these two couples have given us. Our marriage is going strong but we still have a whole lot to learn!

The next part of this anniversary blog will talk about what I have learned these past three years on being a wife. Till the next entry!